So, you’re thinking about separation/divorce and maybe your spouse is too but constructive communication is not exactly high on either of your lists right now so who knows where things stand?
You could broach the subject authentically with your spouse.
No wrong, no right, no bad or good sides – just here’s where I am – where are you and how can we address this together?
Tip: if you find yourself in this place, it may be an excellent time to suggest seeing a marital counselor or coach. After all, if you haven’t been able to solve this as a couple before, what has changed to make that possible now? After all, the definition of insanity is having the same inputs and expecting different results. Let’s not go off the deep end completely – we’re already close enough!
You could address your fears (admit it, we all have ‘em).
Talk to an expert in the area of your concern: financial, marital, counseling for helping your children deal well with the changes you are all confronting, real estate, etc, etc, etc. Take a step, some action – whether it is information gathering or reinvestment in the relationship – do something! Stuck is a bad place to be.
Consider whether you are in the ‘discomfort/comfort zone?
Translation: it’s all just so darned unpleasant, but you are just so darned accustomed to it being that way. Is this any way to live? Are you giving the gifts to the world that all the rest of us need from you so desperately? Or are you all gunked up, not even able to see how full of possibility you are any more? Maybe a good life coach or a an intuitive dream therapist might be able to help you get to the bottom of your gunk! Do something!
There are so many dichotomies when you are in this special place of indecision. You don’t want your children to have to deal with being from a broken home, yet is the better example for them to for their future lives to watch you two mix it up or in opposition avoid each other on a regular basis? Is the example you are providing for them one you hope they emulate in their adult lives? Remember, it’s not just what you say, but what you do that matters most!
You don’t want to give up too soon after all you have invested, but you really don’t know what else to try.
Your energy is also bouncing back and forth like some kind of manic pong game and half the time your are not sure you’ve got anything left! We are not advocating swift action without consideration here at Savvy – we’re saying think, believe, feel, act. Try to straighte that crazed brain out a little bit. If you haven’t gotten outside help, do it. If you have and it hasn’t worked, find someone new to talk to – sometimes you hear the same thing from different people in totally different ways. One gets through the haze, the other might not.
Bottom line
If you are not ready to be honest with yourself, no amount of advice, counseling or hours frittered away worrying will help you live authentically. Why are so many of us raised to trust our brains or what authority figures tell us but so few are raised to trust our own intuition/gut?!?! You probably likely know down deep right now whether your reinvestment in the relationship will bear fruit or not. Just as you know whether that is a complete waste of time because you just aren’t in it anymore. Maybe you haven’t been for a short time or maybe it has benn a very long time. You have to be ready and it takes different people different lengths of time.
Ok, so you are now heading down whichever path you have chosen for yourself. We would love to tell you, savvy friends, that as long as you are true to yourself the path will be easy. That just generally isn’t how this cookie crumbles, unfortunately. What humans fear most (and there is a LOT) of fear out there) is the unknown and divorce is just one big fat unknown. You may think you know how you or your spouse will react and respond, but we propose that you have no idea. That is a scary thought in and of itself.
It is the rare couple who can truly work collaboratively through the divorce labyrinth together. There are attorneys that work only collaboratively – the process is a little different and we’ll get you some more information on that later. Collaboration is possible and certainly hope for the best, but our strong recommendation is to be empowered by information and therefore prepared for whatever comes your way. It can be an all out battlefield and if you have kids, you have to shield them from as much of this as you possibly can.
So… how can you possibly accomplish that when you feel as if you are walking around in a complete fog at all times? Things are not just falling off the edge of the plate at this point – you could swear that someone is shoving them! And for that matter, plate? What plate?!?
Your emotions are revved up and so are your partners’ – a fabulous combo for you both as well as the kidlets if there are any involved! As evolved and mature as you believe yourself to be, there will be times that are tough to hold it all together and that is at the best end of the spectrum. If you ex in waiting is in a less evolved position (whether in life generally or just due to the current stress), it can really put an undue amount of pressure on you not to succumb to your angry feelings. Everyone has them – it’s part of the gig. Shield the children, shield the children, shield the children!
So, could someone just map this process out?
If you and your partner are in a collaborative place, God bless you – you are already savvy and congratulations! If not, we are here for you.
Now, some might think – why would this person want to remain in the same casa with a party who has finally revealed that they want no more of this magical entity called marriage between them? There are numerous replies to this depending on the situation including – not limited to – and in no particular order:
- They are angry and you are not going to be in control of this thing – they will show you!
- They are sad and 4 square don’t want to accept the decision you have come to and think they can convince you otherwise.
- They want to drag the nightmare out – motivation coming from 1 or 2 or a fabulously fun filled combination of the two!
- Funds are tight – how can you live separately and support that decision financially?
- Kids are involved and they are unsure of how moving out could impact custody down the road.
Savvy tip: your joint accounts are just that: ‘joint.’
Whether you are the primary breadwinner or not, you have access to those funds fully prior to any filing taking place. Once filing occurs, neither of you is supposed to mine those fertile or infertile fields as the case may be. You may need to use these funds to pay your attorney’s retainer fee. Think about it.
While you are pondering that one, consider carefully your timing if you are going to withdraw any funds. You may not want to do this on a Friday because if discovered and your spouse is angry, it could be taken out on more than just you if there are kids around over a weekend. Shield the children, shield the children, shield the children!
Have a Plan in Place
On that note, have a plan in place just in case there is serious anger to stay with a friend or in a hotel. A packed bag is not a bad idea just in case. If there is ramping or escalation of angry behavior do not hesitate to call 911.
OK, temporary orders are in place. These orders cover custody, money, who lives where and anything else you care to include. They rule the situation until you have a final agreement or until you redraft temporary orders if there are things one or both of you want changed.
