Does "I Do" Mean "I'm Done?"
Susie Savvy has a long held belief that when people say ‘I do,’ they mean ‘I’m done.’ You put your best foot forward in order to ensnare a potential, attractive mate regardless of timeframe or effort required. It is amazing to Susie how quickly that valiant, some might even say stalwart effort can evaporate when said mate is in the cave by the fire on a nightly basis!
I do means just that. I work hard at my relationship all the time.
89.3% (25 votes)
I do really means we do. I put in the effort when my partner does.
10.7% (3 votes)
I do really means I try. Sometimes the relationship goes to the back burner.
0% (0 votes)
I'm done is right. It was hard work getting together and now I'm going to take it easy.
0% (0 votes)
Answer from a Coaching Perspective (Savvy Split endorsed)
Boodad,
As you might have already figured out, the only place to start over is within ourselves. When things are tough, it is so easy to blame others rather than taking responsibility for our own experiences. When someone new shows up, it is equally as tempting to “hang our dreams” on them.
The only person to hang the dreams on is obviously ourselves – not our parents, not our children and not our significant other. When we do go through the hard work of digging through the onion layers, we can begin to appreciate our own authenticity and our own natural ability to create the lives that we have wanted all along. Then we can begin following the dreams that fit our unique purpose on this earth. I believe that ONLY then can another person show up who might already FIT those dreams. Otherwise the new folks are only going to be mirroring the outer layers of onion.
One book that I have found to be incredibly useful is Calling in the One by Katherine Woodward Thomas. Many people are tempted to use this practice as a crutch to find the next “perfect” partner. But I believe the book is designed to help focus the deep inner work so that you can really see yourself – the real you and the real dreams that lurk just below the surface of our hurt exterior.
The exercises are serious but if you approach this book with determination and a willingness to drive your own boat – with no excuses, then you will find a fundamentally sound place to begin the next phase of your journey.
Nogie King, the Sympatico Coach
Dr DLS (Savvy Split endorsed) answers
We tend to project our "ideas" about who or what a person is onto the new person. That is called the projection process. Jung has written quite a bit on the subject. If the relationship immediately feels too comfortable, too easy, like one has known the person for ones' whole life, that usually suggests the projection process is in full swing. As one gets to know the person over time, less and less of the "idea" of the person fits. Many people come into therapy at that time and say : he or she has changed, he or she was different when I met him/her." This is not likely to be true. What is real is that the image, the false projection, is falling off and one is dealing with the complex, three-dimensional living human being underneath.
That is why therapists suggest that one gets to know a person for a year or two (especially if the relationship is long distance) before one commits to marriage. It takes about that long for some of the "ideas" of the other person to fall away. Now, that means that one has to be alert and AWARE and notice these discrepancy in idea and reality and not discard or ignore them--as many people do. Some say" This problem behavior is because he/she has been hurt by the previous person and this behavior will change once we are together." DANGER! That is denial of what is.
Why do we do the projection and what can we do to manage it? We project because we want to have the perfect "ideal" relationship, the one that will make up for every missing or deficient element of our childhoods. Accepting that the process exists to some degree for all of us is the first step; taking time to get to know the real person is the second step; being aware of discrepancies between the idea of the person and the person is the next; and the FINAL but ultimately most important aspect is to KNOW THYSELF. Know what are the issues that have affected you, know your fears and your insecurities. The more you know your vulnerabilities, you more aware you will be of the self-deception that you will be willing to engage in. And, remember, it is self-deception in almost all cases. We are deceiving ourselves by seeing things in others that are not there.
The books that will help here will be books about self-discovery and knowing yourself. Be honest about your childhood "scars" (which we ALL have) and be able to recognize how your childhood scars will blind you to certain behaviors. Books specifically on the projection process are too dense for the casual reader, but books that get you to know yourself are readily available...and the effort will pay off! My web site has a list of books under several headings, perhaps there is a book there right for you. www.drdls.com
Dr.dls
329-0989 ext 106
Some resources
I happened across John Bradshaw's fourth book, Creating Love, in a used bookstore. I'm about halfway through it.
Some of Bradshaw's references got me reading Susan Campbell. So far, I've found The Couple's Journey the most interesting and relevant, but at another level Saying What's Real is pretty good.
'Click'
you have it right, BooDad. i think we do tend to jump into a new relationship in an effort to 'jumpstart' our lives all over again. problem being: might be our lives all over again! yikes!
we really do need a break. difficult to achieve, but a worthy goal, nonetheless.
will look into specific resources and get back if i find something specific...