I have been verbally abused, controlled and manipulated. Somewhere between the "I DO" and now I have lost my identity. Where did my respect for myself go? It was all about him...giving him my respect. He wasn't the warmest of husbands...did a lot of work at home in the evenings and watched tv. We never ate a meal at the table...always infront of the tv. I revolted. I had an affair 6 months after we were married. 4 years later I developed a habit of drinking my pain away. I went to rehab for him. It did good for me. But the pain continued. We were in marriage therapy for 8 months and all we talked about was how much I hurt him and how I lost his respect. I tried everything I could think of to regain his respect, but it was that part of me that wanted out. I don't think there was anything I could have done to become the perfect wife for him again.
On the otherhand, sometimes I think that we could have worked it out. He needed to heal. I had hurt him by disrespecting, lying, steeling (he never gave me any money to buy things...I had to depend on my $600/month SSDI money--which he took most of to pay for household bills.
He was just so sympathetic when I told him I wanted out. He was so open, saying "if you want out, I won't stop you". I'm sure he was suprised when I served him papers. I feel so bad about what I had done. Then I slapped him with a restraining order. We haven't spoken to eachother since March 16th. Oh, how much I want to talk to him. It is driving me crazy that I can't explain myself to him. I'm afraid if we were allowed to talk to eachother, I would go back to my co-dependant, passive, no voice person. So intead of dropping the order, which I've always wanted to do, I listen to the advise of my therapist and my lawyer and continue to refrain from communicating with him. I just think he deserves more respect than what I'm giving him by being silent and not talking things out. I do think that I need time away from him to work on my self. He was damaging to my self-esteem and my whole being. But I keep playing the "what if" game. What if we tried to reconcile before divorce got so complicated? I wonder if it is too late to ask him to hang in there for me so I can find myself.
