What to do?

I find the topic straight on. "Should I stay or should I go?" I been a tough marriage for 14 years. We've had many ups and downs like all couple.

On giant downer was I had an affair 11 years ago. We decided to get back together and move past it. I think I truly did move on. i thought that she we move on eventually and forgive me, but that never really happened. She's held it over my head all these years and it has affected our marriage everyday.

We had other children after the affair. I somewhere thought I had to stay for them but what kind example am i showing them? How to stay in a marriage and be miserable?

If she's not going to forgive me, why does she want me to stay? I'm really tried of being the blame for her life.

Affairs, Forgiveness or the Lack Thereof!

by sympaticocoach - 11/23/2009 - 14:30

Dear Zeb,
You imply that you are miserable at the moment, and I agree that teaching our kids how to be miserable is not likely the best goal of parenting. But think about what you DO want to teach them by your example instead.

Often people do not ask the right questions. You have asked, “Why does she want me to stay?” But the more important question is what do YOU want? We can never fully understand the needs and motivations of another human being, no matter how long we have known them. It is hard enough just managing our own thoughts, emotions and actions, much less making sense of those of another. So stop wasting time trying to figure out the answers to impossible questions that never were your responsibility in the first place.

What is your responsibility is your own life and the choices that you make – and how you FEEL about those choices. We are constantly making choices about our thoughts and actions and about how we FEEL about those choices. Neurologists tell us that even our emotions are a choice after just 90 seconds.

All of our relationships are forms of mirrors to give us clues about ourselves and how to move through our journey. This means that we have the opportunity to look at all of our experiences as a learning tool to understand ourselves more deeply.

For instance, you state the problem as the fact that your wife will not forgive you and move on, but I wonder if you have ever completely forgiven yourself? Possibly it is about the choice of having an affair or possibly it is about the choice of getting married in the first place. Somewhere you were out of sync with YOURSELF and you may not have forgiven yourself for THAT.

It is now time to dig deep and ask, “How do I get in integrity with myself? What do I really WANT for myself? What choices TODAY, THIS MOMENT will make me feel whole and fulfilled deep inside of myself. These questions are not about what will society approve of or what will make someone else happy (even your children). These are questions about what would truly make YOU happy.

If you focus on making choices that are in alignment with what you feel in your gut, with what you know in your deepest and most profound center, then you will be teaching your children how to live their lives to their full potential. Others may not agree with your choices, but they can recognize the stability and integrity of the decision and move forward with their own lives to do the same.

You seem to be asking the

by mactop - 11/05/2009 - 05:58

You seem to be asking the important questions. If you and your wife cannot change your patterns, what chance do you have for a good relationship? You do not have to be the blame for anyone's life.

I was staying in my marriage for my child, so I thought. Big mistake. My wife and I had a relationship with issues similar to yours. No affair, but lots of mistrust. We could not work out our differences and I was miserable. I was counting the days until my teenage girl graduated from high school. When I told my daughter my wife filed for divorce, her comment to me was "I already knew that. I expected you to get divorced soon." I now feel my daughter is happier since the divorce. I feel I am a better parent. Certainly, I am a better example, showing my daughter a relationship doesn't have to hurt.

I suggest you think about your motivations for staying in a relationship grounded in mistrust. It might be your children really are better off with two parents in a dysfunctional relationship. My child is better with her parents divorced. Here are some of my reasons (other than "for my child") for staying as long as I did: societal pressure - divorce is wrong; guilt- did I do everything I could; self-image - I viewed myself as a good guy; disbelief - it couldn't be as messed up as I thought. All of those are reasons from an unexamined life. I got counseling. (Dr. De La Sota is a straight shooter, forced me to look at who I am rather than who I thought I was.) I am learning a lot from life coaching. (Tucker Bass is terrific. She has wonderful insight and intuition, keeps me focused on improvement and the image I project, and has helped with my relationship with my daughter.) I feel I am more honest about my reasons for what I do. I wish you grace and peace as you make your decision.